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Why Martians Will Never Be a Threat to the American Way of Life


By John Freivalds

Published 10/18/2017-JFA Press

A Martian friend of mine just visited me. Mars is suffering from solar system warming and he came to check out how it would be living on earth in the United States. Before getting on his space ship he watched a lot of American cable TV off a satellite to try and understand our culture. He asked me can I bring my ray gun with me. I said sure, every American has a right to bear arms; a ray gun is an arm so it would be allowed. It's in the US Constitution. And organizations like the NRA make sure that the Constitution is duly honored.

But I told him there are certain exceptions. You can't take a gun on an airplane. My Martian friend asked is that because of what happened on 9/11?  I said yes but he said didn't the hijackers commander the airplanes with box cutters, not guns?

The powers that be said anything that can be used as a weapon will be prohibited, even funny liquids. My Martian friend asked does that include sharpened pencils and sharpened toothbrush handles which are used as shivs in prisons? He had been watching cable shows about prison life. I told him that it's ok to bring pencils and toothbrushes on an airplane and as a Martian you could easily go through security as you don't wear clothes or shoes where you could hide weapons.

We talked some more.  My Martian friend asked can guns be prohibited anywhere else and the NRA wouldn't complain? I said yes except at big events that get a lot of publicity like things called the Super Bowl and the World Series. But my Martian friend said there are some 2,000 rock concerts in the US annually which draw crowds of thousands and 36 big NASCAR auto races. Can people bring guns to those?

In most states they can and since there is not a lot of publicity no one pays a lot of attention to what you bring. No one knows where Bristol Motor Speedway is anyway. But didn't a mass killing just occur in Nevada where people could bring guns to feel safe? I responded the shooter had high powerful automatic rifles, fast loading magazines and shot people from afar.

My Martian friend began to understand. You have a right to bear arms except on airplanes and inside major events that get a lot of publicity. In these you can be safe from gun fire which kills 35,000 people annually. Then my friend asked why don't people live in airplanes and in stadiums hosting big public events where guns aren't allowed and thus avoid being shot? I couldn't answer that one. And then he asked why don't they just ban guns everywhere? I responded that would be un-American.

Then he asked me could he buy a gun? I said yes and you can buy as many guns as you want and endless amounts of ammunition. I told him when you go to a store to buy guns you are given a form to fill and the first question is "are you a felon (aka a criminal)."  Just mark "no" as there are no prohibitions against Martians buying guns. In fact, you get more scrutiny if you but a little gun that a high powered rifle with a scope and magazines that hold lot of rounds of ammunition. A huge Bushmaster rifle with a powerful scope even had a poster attached to it which said "reach out and touch someone." Or just go to a "gun show" where you don't get asked any questions except "Is it really hot on Mars?"

So finally I asked my Martian friend if he wanted to stay here or go back to Mars.  He answered it's too dangerous here and I get a feeling that many people here wouldn't like to have any more immigrants and who would want a Martian as a guest worker?

Here is what the people are saying!!

Paul Deck · Jazz Pianist at Local venues

  • It's okay to go to a demonstration in Richmond with an AR-15 rifle, but you can't take a baseball bat or a machete there. Someone might get hurt. I had a flat file in my backpack, and it was confiscated at the airport. The security agent held it up in his hand and smiled, and he said, "You can't have THAT! That's a TOOL!" It was all good-natured and he was doing his job. I explained I had forgotten it was there and he said "no problem" while he threw it in a big trash bin reserved for that purpose. Presumably, with a flat file, one could sharpen a toothbrush. I would never do that, of course, but my toothbrush was in my checked luggage anyway.